Sunday, August 22, 2010

Tekken: Review

The legendary PlayStation game finally gets it's movie adaptation. What the fuck is this?!
Now I wasn't a big fan of Tekken but I have played the original game a couple of times before. Enough to know who the characters were and a little bit about the stories.I don't know if this is just being that they year 2010 is an absolutely shit time for movies, but Tekken is yet another addition to this years collection of terrible terrible films that I can not unsee.
The story of Tekken really fluctuates here and there but from what I can make out of the lump of mess that is this movie, it follows Jin Kazama in a post apocalyptic universe where the world is ruled over by a giant conglomerate called the Tekken Corporation. In order to keep the nation in order, the corporation organizes an Iron Fist tournament where fighters square off for a chance to receive lifetime stardom and wealth. But when Jin's mother is killed and he finds a Tekken Fighter I.D in her belongings. Our jolly old boy goes," Hey! I should enter the tournament and find out why my mommy has this I.D tag." Whoopeee!"
And if your plot is as baseless as that, how the hell do you expect to make it out of a 1 hour 30 minute movie alive? And I don't know if it is just bad writing or that the director just doesn't give a shit, but the storyline of Tekken changes the second it hits the 15 minute mark and goes from boy investigating why mommy had Tekken Fighter I.D to boy wanting revenge for mommy for no apparent reason to boy fighting other guys to save Brazillian McHotpants to boy fighting evil boss guy for the hope of the world.
Tekken is by very definition a movie that would have gone straight to VHS in the 80's. The writing and plot of the film is such a mess that it is severely laughable. And the biggest joke is that I don't think the Malaysian audience that was watching this film in the same cinema as me even noticed that the storyline changed a hundred times. Those guys were having their minds blown out of their nuts. No wonder our politicians can change their stories a billion times. Cause them normal folk are too dumb to give a fuck.
The actors were atrocious. Firstly the girls in this movie look nothing like their video game counterparts and I swear I think one of them used to be a dude. The personalities and stories of the characters are completely non-aligned with the video game. Never have I ever remembered Nina and Anna Williams liking each other let alone be a tag team. The chick playing Christie Monteiro looks like the director's second choice after Jorja Fox turned down the role. The only person mildly likable was Jon Foo as in Kazama.
He looked the part, delivered his lines horribly but when it came to his fighting scenes, this guy is the shit. And I will give this about the movie, it stayed as close as possible to the fighting style of the original game. A little nostalgic if I might add watching them perform a few moves that make me go, "Oh yeah I remember that. Cool." The fight choreography for Tekken was fine.
The only problem is that this movie is in the hands of a retard. The director's name is Dwight H. Little and the only movies he's done besides this is Halloween 4 and Anaconda 3. Wow very impressive. This fucker has no idea how to film action. Every time there is an intense moment during a fight, he pulls in his camera for a tight shot that is so shaky, even I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.
He focuses on the stupidest parts of the human body and shakes the camera like an idiot. Dude. You have girls in barely any clothing, punching and kicking and falling and flipping. And what do you zoom into? A boot or an ear. Zoom into the fucking titties! The fucking titties! It ain't rocket science bub. His constant desire for tight shots that didn't have a focus point and was shaky as hell really made the fights in Tekken redundant. Nice job asshole.
So instead of watching Tekken. Just go see WWE or something. They basically have the same premise of unbelievable, malleable story lines, cheesy writing and bad acting. At least them wrestling people know how to use a camera. Oh! BURN.

RATING: 2/10

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