Thursday, August 26, 2010

Vampires Suck: Review

Thank God for this movie. Not since The Last Airbender have I gone on a fuck rampage this severe.
Good ol' Friedberg and Seltzer. The dynamic duo who brought us such instant classics as Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie, have returned once again to present their latest piece of shit, Vampires Suck. Actually, coming from someone who has seen all their films, these fuckers are getting better. Too bad it doesn't mean a God damn thing. It's like saying I had a good bowel movement instead of diarrhea, it's still shit at the end.
Vampire Sucks is basically a parody of the Twilight and New Moon. And just to solidify how fucking awful this movie is, Vampire Sucks is is no league better than the movies it is spoofing. This is going to be the only time I say this. Twilight is a better film than this one. Hell, I got more laughs watching Twilight than sitting through this piece of fucking shit.
I'm putting out the call to all you readers right now. The only way we can save this industry is to end the rot that is Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. If it takes death to stop them, so be it. I am offering the money I have earned from Waktu Rehat (my television show) to the first person who chokes the life out of those two motherfuckers. Friedberg and Seltzer, fuck you! Fuck you, fuck your mothers, fuck your fathers, fuck your wives, your sons, your daughters.
These men don't practice the same craft as P.T Anderson or Frank Capra or Christopher Nolan or Steven Spielberg or Jean-Piere Jeunet or Uwe Boll or the Wayan Brothers or Brett Ratner or a 12 year old girl taking shaky videos on her camera phone or a bear who turns on a video camera by accident while trying to eat it. They are not filmmakers. They are evil doers. Charlatans. The symbol of modern day civilization's decline in intellect.
Throughout this whole movie, they were just blatantly making references to pop culture figures and trying to pass it off as fucking comedy. There is an Alice in Wonderland scene that wasn't funny, made no fucking sense, didn't fit in any fucking way into the context of the film and wasn't even delivered properly. For one hour, it was just some douchebag pointing offscreen and going, "Oh look. It's Alice from Alice in Wonderland." "Oh look. It's Lady Gaga." "Oh look. It's Jersey Shore." What any of these things have the slightest of affiliations with the Twilight series is beyond me.
And if it's not a pop culture reference joke, they'd have people either being hit by a shovel, hit by a door, farting, burping, girls dancing in their underwear, people dancing to the latest pop song and more farting. How sad is it if the finest quality of humor your film can offer is a fart joke. These guy's aren't even trying. I swear to God anyone of you could come up with a better joke than these motherfuckers.
And despite how shitty their movies are, they will still be made and there will still be a large multitude of fuck faces who will go to see them. I saw with my own eyes last night in the cinema. A room full of dumb as fuck Malaysians laughing and cheering for this movie as if it was the greatest piece of entertainment they have ever saw. Normally I don't judge unrelated people in a review, but MY GOD. YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID. I am literally ashamed to breath the same air as you fuck shit assholes. Uneducated, uncultured pieces of fuck.
It's times like these  wonder why I even bother with a movie blog trying to get people to see movies that are actually trying to make their mark. Genuine filmmakers and craftsman who work long hours with little to no pay to make something that would matter. And here comes these two idiots, banging out a script written by a 4 year old, and they get the theatrical releases. They get the audience laughs. They get the money. Where is the justice people?
I'm not even gonna bother with a rating. I just want to say to whoever who actually find this funny. I pity you.

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